Thursday, 21 March 2013

Keep calm and carry on....

well the title says it all....

I am one happy lady right now. Just updating from my last post, and I can safely say I am definitely not having that "waste of spaces" baby again :) ooh yh!

feeling rather good right about now, this news has just made me feel even stronger and relieved.

also turns out that the other girl isn't pregnant he was making things up because he couldn't think of anything else to say to hurt me. Kinda perfectic really when you think about it. all I can do is feel pity for him. the guy clearly needs help, counciling or something.

am thinking maybe that because his dad left him when he was young and he saw how his dad treated his mum, His trying so hard not to be like him but in actual fact is ending up exactly like him if not worse. that's just my philosophy on it but hey I'm no expert on them kinda things.

well onwards and upwards I say.
got my little boys 2nd birthday coming up real soon (less than 3 weeks time) Scary where time goes. so have lots of planning and organising to do for him. going to spoil my lil man rotten "because I can"!!!!! Lol.

of course no doubt there will be some sort of drama to come from his dad about all this but yh we will see.

I would love to know if there is actually any one out there reading this???
Or anyone else that can relate to anything I've said in any of my blogs?? leave me a comment let me know :) would be great to know I'm not just rambling on to myself, although getting all this down in writing does help clear my head and take a lot of stress away. I suppose you could say it helps put my life into a different perspective. which of course is a good thing as this lets me see and think how everyone from the outside looking In sees my messed up relationship past!

I'm happy to share with you, and hope it helps others too :) xx

Monday, 18 March 2013

the what if ...?

ok so you may or may not have read my last blogs, but for those of you that have you would no that I'm trying to move on with my life from a bad relationship.

easier said than done....

the leaving him part and ignoring texts and phone calls bit seems a dodle. it's the part where I see him turn up outside my front door that's the toughy.

I look at him and just feel empty.kinda feel sorry for him.pity him.
I'm not a rude person and I don't want to cause an argument so will be nice up to a certain point until he don't take the hint or he thinks it's all one big joke.

well same goes for tonight. He turned up at my door, Let him come in to chat for 5 minutes, even gave him spare food i had cooked.( ok maybe shouldn't have done this, but I'm just a generally nice person )

needless to say he kept stalling to go, in the end I asked him to leave and it got a bit nasty. No violence but aggressiveness and mood and nasty language towards me.

once out my house, I got a few nasty messages from him. Pretty angry talk ones.the guy needs to get over himself.
he even tried to hint that the girl he used to live with is pregnant.(he knows this would cut me deep). however, as much as that got me mad, It also got me thinking about me!

when was my last cycle ??SHIT!!!!

Checked my diary (yes I keep a log of it as used to be irregular before I had my son).
last time was 8th January.

I'm starting to panic now! this can't be happening!!! I just want to cry!

Thursday, 14 March 2013

The Start of it all....The Intro

Not quite sure where to start with this to be honest. First time writing a blog ever but will give it ago as there is so much for me to share with you all. Before I start, you will have to excuse any bad grammar etc, I do try but I'm not perfect, nor am I a writer.

Firstly let me introduce myself to you all. I go by the name Nikola Williams (this is not my real name but very close to it) I use this name for the same reason as celebrities do as well. They like to keep a part of them hidden, away from the lime light and away from people that they don't want to let into there real lives.

Of course this does not mean I'm fake though, believe you me every thing i have to say is real, and comes from my heart.

I am 25 Years old and a very proud mummy of a 2year old little boy. He is my world and everything I do now in life is for him.

I don't want to bore you with pointless information, but I do feel that for you to know where I'm coming from, what I've been through to get where I am today and to understand what I want to achieve out of this, I need to start somewhere near the beginning.

So here I go..!!!

I'm a half English half Greek young women, grown up in South East London all my life.
I went to School done all my GCSE's and did pretty well in them, was never a troubled teenager or in bad crowds. 
I left school at 16, didn't want to go college or stay on at 6th form. I wanted to be out there in the big wide world earning my own money. I always wanted the finer things in life.
I grew up with my older Sister (2years older) and my mum & dad (together & married) and of course our golden retriever dog. (Just thought I'd add that bit in)
I was brought up with the value of money, my parents weren't poor but then nor were they rich. Lets just say they were comfortable and really good with managing there money. 

I got my first job at 16 after leaving school, Nothing special but to me at the time it meant the world to me. I got to earn money whilst working in an environment I loved. Oh yes...a shoe shop. 
I must admit looking back it was pretty bad, but at the time I loved it. It was money in my pocket, I got discounts on endless amounts of Shoes, and most of all it brought my confidants with people right out.

You see I was a very shy little girl when I was younger, didn't like going places on my own, didn't like talking to people I didn't really know (Even family), and I didn't like meeting new people either. 
Obviously the people that knew me, knew me as the bubbly loud cheeky girl, that's always smiling.

well going slightly of track i got my first job worked there for 2 and half years. Got made a supervisor after my first year felt great. Only downfall was the pay started to not be enough for me any more, I was getting older and my taste for things was getting more expensive. i.e wanting to drive, move out etc.

Anyway I went down hill from this point really.....In my second year at this shoe shop in Bromley I met a guy. Oh yes the moment you read that you know its about to go wrong!!
He got hired to work in our stores, and OMG he was just simply gorgeous. The moment i saw him I was spell bound. I didn't think guys like him even existed in England and to be working with him just felt unreal.
Well we got chatting (this is the not as shy girl coming out but still shy), and he well lets just put it blunt he was a typical player, ladies man, charming swooner however you want to dress it up, end of the day you could just tell he was trouble!
Now I never really had a boyfriend in school, the guys I liked never liked me or the guys that liked me I shrugged off because well...not too sure why but then again like i said i was a very shy little girl. 

I couldn't believe that this guy would even give me the time of day let alone fancy me. Well anyway cut a long story short, we were flirting for a month or so.
He ended up getting fired from the job (Not because of me, was due down to him always being late for work etc).
I thought I wouldn't see him again! :(

Turns out he stayed in touch, texting, phones calls it was nice. He wanted to meet up hang out etc, but me being at my mum & dads house and him being all the way in deptford. (for those that don't know of this place its quiet a rough area compared to being from Bexleyheath).

so to the point, I met up with him once at his we chilled out listened to music. and then about a month later he come stayed over with me at my parents house, whilst they were away. (I know sounds pretty bad, But i did tell my mum about it when she got back. I'm no rebel child).
Well with him staying over well I think you can guess what happened. My first time, and it was a complete and utter disappointment. Over in minutes and was quiet shocked to be honest. 

I felt horrid afterwards though, I'm not even too sure why but I just did. It was like I was dirty, like i couldn't scrub myself clean. Even though I felt happy that it was with him. I just couldn't explain the feeling I felt.

Well this all said, the same day I believe i texted him, and it said about our night etc in it, to be rung up by a private number from a girl threatening me saying she knows where I work.

Well being the wreck I was already trying to deal with this weird feeling i was having, this just shattered me. To find out after all this time he had a girlfriend! I sobbed my heart out and I had no parents to comfort me nor were my friends around to turn to at the time.

I decided as soon as i found this out to not speak to him again, this worked a treat up until 2 days later when he be calling me apologising etc and for some mad reason I forgave him. 
Well cutting all the details out now, I changed jobs two more times, worked for River Island at one point, worked for Krisp Clothing for another 2 years. Loved my retail clothing and Shoe Shops. 

To be honest the best retail job I've had has to be Krisp Clothing in Woolwich. Its a small independent Clothing store (now has over 35 stores around England) and the staff...well they were like a second family. small group that were so close. Loved it! 

Now back to the guy situation......This guy told me he left his girl and so well being me kind hearted and all that I forgave and we continued to see each other. This went on for another year or so before I found out he had two other girls on the go as well (one of which was his so called ex any way). I tried so hard from within to get out of this messed up relationship I really did, it broke my heart so many times and my mum bless her saw it all.

The breaking point (so you would think) was when his so called ex fell pregnant with his baby!! Yep, that was by far one of the worst feelings I've felt in my heart. When i found that out it was like a lump in my throat and I just couldn't bring my self to talk, eat, drink, i just froze up. As bad as it sounds, I was hoping she would have saw sense and not kept it, but as it stands she did and there was nothing I could do about it. 

He still refused to let me go, claiming he loved me and blah blah blah you can imagine the lies he be telling me. Anyway, I did leave him.....but only for about a month. I couldn't help it, i loved this guy unconditionally (so i thought) and he was special to me even after all the shit he put me through. 

Cut a long story short, the girl had his son and he went to live with her in order to help support the baby. It didn't work out and he left after a year. He had a little studio place and I was practically there all the time. after about 6months a random girl popped up into the equation. A girl he met from the Internet. One night when i was at home, she came down to his place with her son (who at the time was about 7months old) and she had sex with him with her son on the bed. (I know, this is so wrong in so many ways)
again cutting out all the details, she basically decided even after knowing me and him were together to move from peters borough down to cat ford near where he lived and worked. (sounding stalkerish now or just desperate).

Needless to say me and this guy had the biggest argument/split up and didn't talk for about a month. In that month she had her claws right into him and he was practically living with her. 

By this time now...I got my self my first office job working for EDF Energy. loved it, loved the pay, and meant I could buy my first car with it. 
well again, I forgave took this guy back and don't ask me how but we ended up getting a place together. It worked first of all, until I realised he hadn't told this other girl about me and him together again, and he was still living partially there. On the other hand as far as she was aware, he was living with his brother. (load of nonsense would never happen and if she really knew him would know this was a complete lie). So she found out the truth as well, and he was made to make a decision. Me or her! 
Well as much as i never thought he would, he choose me. By this time it was way too late though.

Prior to this I was signed of work for my blood pressure being all over the place and really bad head rush due down to stress. (not surpassing really). Work didn't like this one bit and were on my case majority (my boss was a nasty guy that didn't like people taking holidays let alone being ill). He wanted me out and boy did he get his way. You see I was long term temp at this place (for 2years), and he decided the way to get rid of me was to say there was no more work left for me. 

So as you can see, Signed off work for stress, then basically fired, and dealing with a cheating lying dirt bag and a little girl making threats at me. 

If that wasn't bad enough...I hit further rock bottom. 

I found out i was pregnant (3months - my cycle is a mess due to cysts so never even realised). and to top that all off we got behind in rent payment due to me losing my job and him being up the road at this girls house instead of taking care of home.

Well the only good thing in the above was the baby situation, we had been trying for a while, knowing I was told only 50% chance of having kids, it just happened unexpectedly and wrong timing.

Well we lost the house, I moved back to my mum & Dads and he moved supposedly back to his mums house (which i later found out, was really to this other girls house).
He told me we would work something out and get a place in a month or so....Yeah right!!

after a week he didn't even want to know me, hormones all over the place with everything that had just happened and the fact of carrying a baby I was a mess! He told me he didn't want me to keep the baby and he didn't want nothing to do with me. This was so hurtful and cut me deep. 

Not thinking straight about what i really wanted I told my mum I didn't want this baby. ( at this time I didn't know how far i was...from the pregnancy test I thought i was about 5/6weeks). well she took me down to the clinic and turns out i was 11 and half weeks gone and that was my answer.... I couldn't and wouldn't go through with it, even though the option was there.

So after long discussions with my mum, out of no where I found the strength to do this, and to do it alone. I searched online for jobs sending off CV's, I went to retail work places handing CV's out. (baring in mind pregnant and getting every odd day or so morning sickness, but never had no bump). I went down to the local council as well to see what help i could get. (they were pretty useless...don't help you unless you have a kid already etc). 

So after about a week/half of doing this I got 2 jobs offers come up, One of which i accepted of course. wasn't great, wasn't what i really wanted to be doing but end of the day it was a job. before starting this job, I got a phone call from an agency that I must of sent my CV to at some point, asking me to come down to Rochester for an interview (well I say interview, they wanted me to do and excel online test). well to the point both my mum drove me down there, I done the test,passed with flying colours. Then next day they call and tell me I start Monday. This job was perfect and what i was looking for and a good pay which helped me pay debts off and save for a deposit for my own place. I couldn't believe my luck.

Well I started this job as temp, and within a month I was made permanent.  when I reached 6months in my pregnancy (still not a bump) I told the company of this and they were more than happy for me and I had so much support. Finally things starting to go right for me, and all this motivation for a good life to provide for this little baby inside me.

Still no contact with the ex, and at this point I gave up even trying to communicate with him. I didn't need him and nor did my baby. 

8 months pregnant, and this guy tries to get in contact with me again. I wasn't having it at first but then that weakness in me kicked in and I gave him a chance to talk. He claimed he wanted to be in my life and a part of his baby's life. claiming he loved us etc and that how sorry he was.

well yep you guessed it gave him a chance to be around. (not together though). Baring in mind his still living with this girl, and she has now said to him that he isn't allowed to talk to me or be apart of this baby's life.

19th April 2011 came and so did my healthy baby boy, and yes his dad was there. I had the lovely support of my mum and sister there with me as well. 

As time went on started of nice happy families etc...but then that never really lasts with his background. 
To be to the point his been in and out of our lives up ever since. 

Up until about a week or so ago he was living at this girls house still. He now wants to claim to live with me and his son but I'm not having it. I don't trust him and I really don't feel his good for us. (yes...finally seeing some sense, and my feelings for this guy are just turning to hate).

I'm not going to lie and say I'm all innocent here, I've been a complete bitch back at this girl, and with this guy when we've had fist ups I've given as good as I've got. 

He is mad at me for calling CSA and getting maintenance set up, quiet frankly i couldn't' care less about the money its more of the principal. I've supported my son since day one physically and financially with out a single bit of help from his dad. I feel if you can't be there in there lives (out of no ones choice but his own) then don't think you can get out of all responsibilities of being a father. 

Now after 9years of this fucked up relationship with this guy, going through heart break and endless dramas. I can honestly hand on heart say i am not in love with this guy any more, and yes i do want him out of our lives for good. His nothing but trouble. This is still easier said than done.

I have my son to think about, and as much as I feel he would be better off without a guy like him as his dad around, I also believe that every kid should try and have both parents in there lives whether together or not. This is now an ongoing process that I'm trying to decide in what to do.

well with all that about the relationship and life style said above, I went back to work after 8months maternity leave. Yes I went back Full Time as well. A single mum has got to support her child, I'm a hard grafter and living of state benefits is not for me. Like I said in the beginning of this blog...I want the finer things in life. 

My son goes nursery full time, and he absolutely loves it there. the staff are excellent there, and you can tell each day how much he is growing up, and how much he learns. He is now almost 2 and is such a clever boy. His my priority in life, and since the day I knew i was having him, his been my number one priority! 

which leaves me to the end of this blog.....You know a big chunk of about me now and you know that I've been through hard times (just like everyone else does, maybe different situations but still a hard time), and you've seen I've come out from rock bottom. I hope this can be an inspiration to some people.

I also hope that people in similar situations, relationships, singles mums etc can relate and can see that being treated like I have been treated by this guy is not right and its not love. I also hope that for women/girls that go with guys like this knowing of other girls they are with, just how much damage you are causing, and that you will not be an exception to this hurt that the guy causes. 

My next blog will be letting you into my full reason as to why i will be blogging from now on, and what I will be blogging about.....Stay tuned :) 

Me and my Little man this xmas 2012